Where Affection and Gratitude Begin

As I look at the state of the world, it worries me considerably that the ties that bind people--parents and children, husbands and wives, teachers and students, and friends--are weakening. If the trend continues, Japanese society will lose much of its stability. It is urgent that we aim at the kind of character building that is based on a philosophy of unity rather than on one of diversity. I believe that the most important concrete method for achieving this is to strengthen the bonds that unite people and to foster a warm, tender spirit in each person.

The point of departure for all human relationships is the bond of parent and child. We all have parents or are parents ourselves. The bond between parent and child, unlike bonds in other relationships, especially that of parent and child, cannot be broken, whatever the effort. People refer to this bond as one of blood only, but the bond is life itself, and it is the mainstay of every human being. Feeling is the most powerful motivator of this bond. It is what makes human relationships both genial and beautiful. Emotion has a power that is much stronger than logic or theory.

A boy named Willie, whose parents sent him to Eton, was poor at mathematics and took a dislike to it. He wrote to his father imploring that he be allowed to give up the study of mathematics. His father replied immediately, telling him in no uncertain terms that he could not study only the subjects he liked. True study, he wrote, was tackling the subjects one was weakest in and mastering them. As Willie read this he could hardly contain his dissatisfaction, but he read on: "Willie, your father is here in this country house thinking of you always. Every single day I pray that you will grow up to be a respectable young man. I have every confidence that you will become just the kind of person this old father of yours hopes for." Those words moved the boy, and he made up his mind to do his best, throwing himself into the study of mathematics. Before long his efforts were rewarded and he obtained a perfect score on his mathematics test. He immediately sent the test paper to his father. Several days later it came back in the mail, and at the top was written, "Splendid, Willie!"

Willie was William Gladstone (1809--98), the eventual leader of Britain's Liberal Party and four times prime minister. He said often that his service to his country was due entirely to what his father had taught him as a boy. I believe that it was less what his father taught than his father's affection. Any father could have written the first half of the letter; it was the true feelings of the second half that roused the young boy.

The bond of parent and child begins at conception. From then on the children do nothing but give their parents trouble. From the sufferings of pregnancy and childbirth to the hardships and anxieties that accompany raising and educating children, parents wear themselves out for their children. Still, parents do not resent doing this. Like Gladstone's father, they constantly hope that their children will grow up to be splendid adults. That is quite natural. Moreover, it is entirely natural for children raised that way to feel affection for their parents, to be devoted to them, and to obey them. If this natural, reciprocal affection is not shown, something must be wrong.

Most people love their mothers. Perhaps some people are less attached to their fathers partly because they spend less time together. If, nevertheless, as with Gladstone and his father, they develop a strong bond, their natural affection will show.

Physical contact is also important. It is good to pat people on the shoulder when you tell them to cheer up or to tap your knuckles reprovingly on the head of a child. For Japanese fathers, getting into the bath with their children and giving their backs a good scrub is one of the best kinds of physical contact. Takeo Arishima (1878--1923), a novelist of the Shirakaba school of humanist writers, grew up in an upper-class home, and from a very young age he rarely ate with his father. He wrote that his father once challenged him to a sumo wrestling match, and that when he felt the warmth of his father's flesh as they grappled, he suddenly started to cry.

Parents treat their children as they see fit. Some parents are critical; some are lenient, letting the children make their own decisions; some strike their children when they are naughty; and some never raise a hand against their children. Since it is fundamental that parents always put their children's happiness before their own, it is a matter for each parent to decide how to treat their children. There can be no general rule.

As young people earnestly seek fulfillment and an opportunity to bloom, it is sometimes hard for them to realize how much they owe their parents. Consequently, through the schools and by other means, it is important to promote a spirit of appreciation for what parents do. Recently, in Japan, such things are not being taught at all. Parental responsibility is stressed, and as a result, children come to feel coldly that their parents are merely carrying out that responsibility and that there is no reason to be grateful. This is a matter of grave concern, because it is connected with the forfeiture of the single most important human emotion. This kind of hardhearted way of thinking affects all other relationships, and our society becomes a desolate place where one can barely live.

The person who is truly human is one whose spirit is filled with love and gratitude. It is the person who feels affection for many and who can be grateful to many. And because affection and gratitude move back and forth within society, a world of such people becomes a truly bright, warm, congenial, human place. To create such a world, the first step must be to make the starting point, the parent-child relationship, an interaction of love and appreciation. Far from being difficult, it can be accomplished naturally by anyone willing to be flexible. Finally, we should etch upon our hearts the realization that we are all under the gentle, protective gaze of our common parent, the Buddha.

The parental bond, the starting point of human relationships, is the foundation of humanity and can never be broken by separation.