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The Buddha's Compassion Prepares Me for My Mission |
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To Change Myself I married at the age of twenty and lived with my in-laws. My mother-in-law did not accept me. Her only hope and dream for her son was for him to continue his education and to attend college. We got married due to my pregnancy, and my mother-in-law felt that I had ruined her son’s life. She was very unhappy with our marriage, and I felt unwelcome in her home. She was very cold toward me, and I lived with a lot of mental anguish. My husband could not help me or protect me because he was so close to his mother. Two years later, because I could not endure this hardship any more, I left with my daughter, Lori, who was two years old, to live at my mother’s home. Sadly, I had to divorce my husband whom I cared for and loved deeply. I truly despised my mother-in-law for destroying my marriage. During this time, my longtime childhood friend, Ms. Cyd Kikuyama, who was an English-speaking member of Rissho Kosei-kai, saw my suffering. Concerned about me, she introduced me to the teachings and invited me to attend an English hoza, where I had the opportunity to share my problems with the other members and received guidance from the leader. They listened intently to my problems and accepted my pain and further gave me guidance. Then the leader explained that everything happens for a reason and not out of coincidence; that this suffering is the chance we receive from the Buddha to reflect upon ourselves; that this is the opportunity to cultivate our minds and hearts. I tried my best to follow this guidance that was given to me, but it was very difficult to realize its true meaning at once. Gradually, however, I was able to understand what was being taught to me. The branch leader encouraged me to enshrine the Sokaimyo, focus of ancestor veneration. I decided to accept the symbol of faith. This enshrinement was the beginning of the reestablishment of the foundation of my life--by focusing on my Buddhist faith and its practices. I was instructed to recite portions of the Lotus Sutra as the first practice of my faith. However, the first prayer books in those days were in Japanese written in roman letters, so I had a very difficult time reciting the sutra. I did not comprehend what I was reading. But I was determined to escape from my suffering and pain. I carried the prayer book with me everywhere, and whenever I had a chance I would practice pronouncing each syllable. Eventually, I could read the sutra flowingly with the other members. Through the practice of reciting the sutra, I felt that I began paving my path to my new life with Lori.
Through the teachings of causation and karma, I became aware that my suffering had been caused by my own selfish views of life. If I reflected upon these teachings and applied them to my own life, I could no longer blame my mother-in-law. I finally could see that I was indeed the cause of her suffering. I could not return to my past; however, I was able to repent and to deeply realize the negative feelings I had toward my mother-in-law and my ex-husband. Looking back at my childhood, I had countless hardships because my father was a heavy drinker, which caused continued fighting between my parents. I worried about my mother’s well-being because my father abused her mentally and physically. When my brother and I got older, my parents were divorced. My brother dropped out of school at about age seventeen and began gambling. He became addicted to gambling and got deeper into debt. This continued for several years, causing lots of hardship to my whole family. He tried very hard to quit gambling but could not do it. In 1993, he ended his life, leaving a wife and daughter. I believe he took his own life to make it easier for our family. I realized that my suffering was also related to and connected to my parents, and also to my ancestors. My ancestors carried many hardships, which caused much suffering, when they immigrated to Hawaii. My parents also experienced many hardships in their lives, just as my brother and I. I was in a state of deep pain and helplessness. I felt that within my life, there was deep karma. I was taught that this deep karma within my life was not just fate, nor was it an evil karma, but that through my deep appreciation of the foundation of life, through the practice of venerating my ancestors through reciting the Lotus Sutra, I would finally begin to change the course of my karma. During this time, I was a divorced single mother without a job who could not rely on my parents for help. The beginning of my new life with the teachings was not an easy one. However, I was still very determined to live according to the teachings of Rissho Kosei-kai. |
Hoza was most precious as it offered a place where I could learn the teachings. Hoza is the core and the life of Rissho Kosei-kai. I received much encouragement and support and felt the compassion of the Eternal Buddha. I recall that older members would always tell me that even if I didn’t understand what was being taught at that moment, it was all right because the Buddha’s wisdom and compassion were going through my pores. I was taught that I cannot change anyone else, but, if I first change myself, my surroundings will begin to change. I was very moved by these teachings and practices, which made sense to me. I realized that Rissho Kosei-kai is a living religion.